ScaRy Resident evil movie :SCARY MOVIE 3
by shawn4542
Summary: JACKIE CHAN, CHRIS TUCKER, SHORTY, and others in a house on the outskirts of town. RESIDENT EVIL MEETS SCARY MOVIE PLEASE R AND R FUNNY FUNNY


Scary movie 3: Resident Evil Spoof  
  
Disclaimer: I am just a writer who is writing about resident evil i am not trying to steal it resident evil and all of it's characters belong to capcom. You guys are raw. just don't sue me or anything. Scary movie does not belong to me either. all charaters of scary movie origin belong to whoever they do i don't know but not me. ENjoy.  
Prolouge  
  
SHORTY  
We were searching for the missing helecopter...(puff of blunt) of our peeps. They crashed or somethin like dat. (Puff of blunt) Yeah my name shorty and i'm a real nizza heh hah ha fo shizzle my nizzles. anyway (puff puff) like i was saying they crashed and all, And we gone save them and hopefully get laid in the process. you see they got this rebbecca chick with the fat ass. i mean Skeyyyoooo!  
  
Chap 1  
  
A helecopter glides through the air swaying from side to side. A trail of smoke comes from it's windows. A high pitched laugh can be heard from within it. There are four people inside. Barry also known as shorty, Jill that weird chick that payed cindy in the first movie. Chris tucker as chris refield, jackie chan, halle berry, and jennifer lopez (HORS! um excuse me allergys season SLUTS!). The helecopter lands. shorty stumbles out--a magnum in one hand a forty in another. "Where da hoes at!" he screams into the darkness of raccoon forest. Chris steps out beside him. "Didn't i tell you we was saving some people," he explains. "Are they hoes," shorty asks. Chris gives him a weird look. "I hope so!" he says cheering. The two perform a high five. Jill looks around. she begins to think. "I wonder what happened to them. i mean they were so good in bed i would hate to hear that one of them died. They banged me like a salvation army drum." Pops from TheWanyes brothers show steps out of no where. "BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!" Jill gives him a weird look and walks out into the woods. Jackie chan takes in a deep breath as he stares at jenneifer lopez's ass. There are two huge stars on them. "STARS!" he says. jenneifer smacks him. "Hey wha ywo dwo twat fwa" he said in his weird accent. there's a low howl from inside of the woods. chris holsters his gun and takes a puff of his built in bong shoe. two in one good for walking and smoking. Hey kids buy the bong shoe...End of plug. "like i said i took this huge dump before we boarded the plane and i fell ten pounds lighter." halle said. "Yo son look there go they plane." shorty shouts to the others. he runs through some bushes but stops and looks at one. he then glances around and strips some leaves from the plant and puts it in his pocket. "Fo later" he said. He started to walk off but ran back and took some more. "just a little more." He began to stuff his pockets.  
A broken down helecopter lay on it's side in a small clearing. it's propellors were broken and bent. "Damn!!" chris shouted. "they aint go be in resident evil 2" "Wwouud ywo stwop twat." jackie said. "Would you speak english," chris replied. jackie shrugged and walked off. Shorty ran up. His hoody was stuff full of leaves. "What i miss," he said. "Nothin bunch of dead people inside rotting." jill said. "True True" shorty replied. "WAZZUP!" halle screamed into her cell phone. "Here take a look at this," jenniefer said. "Hold on i'm on the phone...hey girl so like i was saying jawaan got a badunkadunk...yeah!" she replied talking into it. "Would you get off the phone with whitey houston. leave that girl to her crack...wait i mean cocaine she's too rich for crack" jenniefer said. "Aight girl peace out" halle said. what is it. Jenniefer showed her the dead guy inside of the helecopter. "you know he kinda look good with the scratch over his eye," jenniefer said. Shorty wandered off smoking another one of his special mary jane blunts. "I am la weed g. My favorite color is green. i smoka da weeeeeedd!" he said. A high pitch laugh escaped his mouth. he came upon a dog. it startled him. "What up snoopy" he said. The dog began to run forward. Shorty screamed. Seconds later he and the dog were on the soft ground of the forest playing a friendly game of puff puff give. "TOKE TOKE TOKE!" shorty screamed as the dog took the blunt to the head. It took in a sudden breath of air and its head began to roll on it's shoulders. "That's some good shit aint it," shorty said. The hound was still in a haze.   
Chris had also wandered off into the woods. Jill suddenly popped up out of the bushes. "Damn!!" chris screamed. "Sorry," jill replied giddly. "Don't you ever do that again. Ever ever...ever...ever ever ever ever." he said scratching his balls with his shotgun as he had done so many times. "But you know what you could do to make up for it?" he asked. "What?" she asked. "Get down on your knees" he said. she did. "Now i want you to give me...   
Halle and jenneifer sat on a small log talking about all the people they had slept with. "Michel jackson, really?" jenniefer asked surprised. "Before or after the twenty nose jobs?" "It was only twenty...i would have bet money on fifty." halle said. They began to hear moans of passion. halle stood up. "That sounds like chris," she said. they stood up and sifted through the trees until they came upon chris and jill. "Eww!" jenneifer said. "your giving him a foot rub?" halle asked. "Yeah so?" jill replied. "Look at those things," jenneifer said. "Hwey a manswion!" jackie screamed coming out of no where. "A man's big one, where?" jenneifer said. "Um girl i wanna see too," halle said. "No a manswion," jackie screamed getting frustrated. "Look a mansion," jill screamed. "Whoa you've got a good eye i wouldn't have noticed that." Chris said. "Yeah jill your good," shorty said coming up with the wobbly dog. "Why didn't you notice that jackie?" jenneifer said. "You bwitch," jackie screamed in tears. "Yes i am rich thankyou," jenneifer said. Jackie screamed and walked away from her. "What's with the bitch?" chris asked looking at the dog. "Halle's part of our team," shorty said. Chris and shorty bust out laughing and high fived each other. "That was funny," chris said. "Fo shizzle," shorty replied. halle just stared hard at both of them. "Anyway this is my new toking partna," shorty said. He let out a high laugh. AHEH!   
jill opened the door to the mansion door. They all entered. including the dog. The room was huge there were statues and small pillers everywhere. The floor was marble and the roof was a senic dome with a cryptic painting on it of a man having sex with jenniefer lopez. "How did they get that picture," jenneiefer snapped. "That's it no more internet stuff." "Damn this place is huge," shorty said. "Party up in here!" he screamed. "Where da hoes!" Chris took a puff of his bong shoe again. Shorty's dog yelped. "Shhh calm down girl," shorty said throwing a cronic brownie into the dogs mouth. There was a gun shot everbody froze for a second. Everyone looked at each other. "Glock nine millemeter," they all said in unison. "halle go and investigate," chris said. "Fuck that you go and investigate," halle said. "Suck my -" "Listen i'll go and investigate,"Jill said. "I'm coming with you," shorty said. "Come on snoopy." "Snoopy barked." "Um have you realized that snoopy's missing an eye," Jill asked. "Yeah and chris here is missing a left nut no problem," shorty said. "I told you never to tell anyone that," chris said. "AHEH sorry son," shorty said. Shorty opened a pair of double doors on the right and jill stepped in her gun drawn. "What does S.T.A.R.S stand for anyway. "Sucking tits and running shit," shorty said. "Really?" jill asked. "Naw but it should," he said. "By the way are you looking at my tits again?" jill asked. "I'm sorry but dat tight shirt is da bomb!" he said. "Who picked out these outfits out anyway?" jill asked. "I don't know but they da bomb!" shorty shouted again. There was a sound that made the hairs on the back of shorty's neck stand up. or maybe it was the fact that he had to take a big dump ever since he decided to mix weed in with his weaties. "WEEDIES YEAH!" shorty said as he poured a malt licker into his cereal. Jill crept forward. there was a red puddle of blood on the floor. "Oh my god," she said. "Let's find a room with a bed i'll show you who's god," shorty said. jill just smiled. her attention went back the blood. "It looks like my period." "Yuck T. M.I," shorty said. "What you'll have sex with me but you won't hear about my period, buy me cloths, wash my car, get my nails done, clean my house, starch my pants or give me oral sex please...push on loser," she snapped. "Damn!!" shorty replied. "Sorry. Mood swings," jill said. "I'll just examine this for a second," jill said. "You do that," shorty said. "Come on snoopy."   
Shorty opened a small door and crept out into a small corridor. "Smokin weed smokin weed doing coke drinking beers drinking beers beers beers," he sung to himself. He stepped forward. There was the sound of flesh being ripped from the bone. A creature hovered over one of shortys friends from the crashed helecopter. the creature was eating him. "Oh shit son," shorty screamed. The zombie turned. in it's eyes was the enraged look of hunger. Shorty began to scream.  
Seconds later the zombie, shorty and the dog were sitting on the couch smoking weed. "So man like i said, jenniefer lopez has the biggest ass. It's like blickeblwow...Yettadeee!" The zombie looked at him blankly. "UHHHHHHHUUUUH," the zombie replied. It fell over and died for the second time. Smoke puffed out from it's mouth. "Damn couldn't hold his weed," shorty said. "oh well pass that shit," shorty said to snoopy. Snoopy leaned over and pulled the blunt from the zombies mouth and handed it to shorty after a few puffs.   
jill continued to look at the blood. it was in the shape of a word. K-C-O-C. "Maybe it's backwards i don't know," jill said. Shorty staggered into the room. "Did you find anything?" she asked. "Look i found my hand wow!" shorty said staring at his right wrist. he was still high from the weed. snoopy swayed from side to side beside him. "I'm sorry but that dog creeps me out," Jill said. "Want to see my dog," Shorty said. "Eww no," jill said.   
Chris and the others got tired of waiting in the main room. they began to split up and wander around the mansion. Chris and jackie went upstairs while jenniefer and halle explored the other side of the first floor. "I dwon't lwik twis pwace," jackie said. "And i don't like you but i put up with your sorry ass. Like that time you almost got our eggrolls cut off. or that time you didn't tell me that Short little peice of crap was Ricky tan and we had to fight all those thugs. You know what jackie i should woop your little short ass!" chris snapped. Jackie gave one small punch to chris's chest. chris froze. "i think i just lay down for a second," he said as he collasped to the floor. Jackie smiled. "Bwitch," he said alloud.   
  
Sorry for a waste of you time but if someone liked it just one i'll make another chapter. peace out check out my RESIDENT EVIL OUTTAKES by shawn 4542 and on www.fictionpress.net is my Alpha team 1st defense and Alpha team 1st defense 2  
  
peace out  
Shawn4542 


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